Over two months now since I embarked upon my venture of being a bum. The very few heady surges of intellectual adrenaline since then, each leaving me drained and disoriented, have produced only teasers of a desired outcome - more about these desires another time. Between these surges, the long, distressing periods of alternating stupor and deflected stimulation have recreated in my mind the entropy of what by all accounts is my home.

In a charmingly optimistic attempt to keep track of my vaporising time, I began reporting my doings and meanderings in twice-daily updates to a couple of friends. With the power to order still elusive, "stuff" maintained free reign over my apartment. Last Friday, at update time, in my cosy corner of the couch, suddenly, I could no longer distract myself from the chaos with the slick dissonance of my web-browsing habits. This was my update:

• Woke up at 11:30.
• Felt lousy.
• Blew nose, cleared throat.
• Felt lousy.
• Took off couch futon cover to wash; turned futon over; put throw over it.
• Felt lousy.
• Coffee, cereal, email, surfing, etc.
• Felt lousy.
• Wrote mid-day update.
• Felt lousy.

One of the recipients responded thus:

I don't mean to boast but I can feel lousy even without putting in the effort to do all that other work.

• Woke up at 11:30.
• Blew nose, cleared throat.
• Took off couch futon cover to wash; turned futon over; put throw over it.
• Coffee, cereal, email, surfing, etc.
• Wrote mid-day update.

Maybe you should be comfortable with who you are: someone who feels lousy. That's the only way to be happy. But make sure you don't get too comfortable, then you'll be too happy, and it wouldn't be you anymore. Besides, nobody would hang out with you.

Hmmm...I think I have achieved this fine balance. I feel lousy, and accept it, but am comfortable with it just up to the point that it would begin to feel good. Thus, I maintain the "creative tension" between feeling lousy and good. Having achieved this delicate steady-state, it would seem that I have nothing to complain about, everything is perfect, but now the challenge is not to get comfortable with this perfection - lest I cease to "be me" and am shunned by the cool people I know.

Am I up to this challenge? Do I have what it takes? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? And, doggone it, do people like me?

3:29:55 AM